Loneliness

The closer I get to the time when I will either accept or turn down Maitland's invitation to take the job as pastor (or, they will decide I'm not the best for the job), the import of the decision looms ever larger...as well as all the sacrifices that it will entail.

The issue of loneliness is one that I have struggled with for most of my life. Even when surrounded by people, I have often felt alone, or at the very least, different. Oftentimes, things that I think are exceptionally obvious, no one else sees. Or, options I think are quite absurd and suggest just for the sake of humor, people take seriously and with much gravity. So, I see things askew. I doubt many of my friends will deny this, either jokingly or seriously.

One would think that since I have dealt with this for such a long time, I would have learned to deal with it effectively, since I have had so much practice. Sadly, this is not the case. It is more something that gets increasingly more difficult the longer I am underneath it, in the same way that a physical burden gets heavier and heavier the farther you have to go. yes, there are respites and it does ease a little over time...but, never does it become outright easy.

That said, Maitland will most likely be lonely. I fit very nicely into that 'lost generation' at the church, the one that is too old for the child-oriented Sunday School, and yet too young to fit in nicely withe the 'Old Guard' of the church. Perhaps this should serve as motivation for evangelism, but that seems awful self-serving...spreading God's love so that I can have some friends my age. Hopefully, the kind of lifestyle evangelism I aspire towards will flow naturally out of my life and pursuit of God.

It also seems self-serving to turn down the call as a pastor just because I'll feel lonely. In the book Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer warns that 'he who cannot be in community, beware of being alone...he who cannot be alone, beware of being in community'. Is this just an instance of me having to learn what it is like to be alone? Is it bad that I am, dare I say it, afraid of being alone?

My life is often in this tension...I like spending time alone, but only when I can go and find my friends when I am done. This is perhaps a time when I will be forced to spend time by myself, with no break on the horizon. Is this God's way of telling me to seek employment elsewhere, or is this simply the spot God has been preparing me for this whole time? I find myself leaning towards the latter, but its not an easy decision.

I seek God the same way I seek life...because, at the foundation of my being, I have no real other choice. I once lived in the land of sin and death (a place I find myself visiting far too often), but I am not interested in returning. In the same way, after spending so much wonderfully beautiful times with friends, why would I want to return to the place of being alone?

Bonhoeffer also counsels that sometimes community is simply not an option. The Christian that is imprisoned for her faith does not have a choice of seeking community or friends...rather, the decision is forced upon her by outside circumstances. In the same way, someone stepping out to blaze a trail cannot be guaranteed followers. This is a tale repeated both in Scripture, and in Christian history. Is this me? Oy.

Well, I guess through my ramblings, I've answered my own question. I guess its time to continue to push forward, regardless of the cost. I'll don the armor, and hunker down behind the protection of my shield, and push forward. I'm not promised victory in my lifetime, but I am promised that victory is in the times to come. I just need to push forward towards it.

Forward. Ever forward.