Endurance...?

I think I'm tired. Of sundry and varied things.

I'm tired of here. I want to get to Australia already. This is ridiculous. When I prayed for patience, this is not what I meant.

I'm tired of church. I didn't go on Sunday. No one missed me, and I missed nothing. I'm tired of church pandering to the felt needs of the masses, as opposed to speaking directly to the deep desires of the soul. If Christ just preached to the felt needs, He would have overthrown Rome and established a Jewish political state. Instead, He changed everything we thought we knew, as well as everything we could ever learn.

I'm tired of the ludicrous things my emotions are doing. I like it better when I can pretend they don't exist, or that they don't affect me. Emotions are fine things when you control them, but when they control you? Lame. Refer back to point #1.

I'm tired of being tired. I might not be the only one who is reaching out to the people outside of the fold of God, but sometimes it sure as heck feels like it. Refer back to point #2.

I'm tired of having nothing to work towards. Yes, there is Australia. Yes, I keep doing the work for that. But, that's it, and that's two months distant. I want to get in the game. The sidelines are all well and good, but seriously. I'm looking for life to actually mean something again, as opposed to just staying in this absurd holding pattern.

Dumb. But, I'm tired, so I'm going to bed.

Movie

I'm writing a movie script, I think. I bought a book about script writing, and I think I'm going to follow along with what the author says.

Its going to be a Western-ish movie, perhaps in a sci-fi setting, as that might allow for a bit more freedom in style and execution. I think the main character will be a young-ish guy who kind of stumbles into the whole thing, and is insecure and unsure, but also resolute in his desire to do what must be done. "What must be done" has yet to be decided, though.

If anyone is interested in reading and/or helping with the script, please let me know. People with good writing/editing skills would be greatly appreciated. And, anyone with a unabiding love of Westerns (like myself) is also eagerly desired. Let me know. Word.

Odds and Ends

There are several different things I'd like to talk about, none of which have any real relevance to each other. So...that's what I'm going to do.

I'm slowly going crazy from all the emotional rubbish of getting ready to leave. I'm used to being the stoic one of everyone, the one who is level-headed. Well, for better or worse, that is not the case...and I'm not a fan. So, I apologize to everyone I'll maim (whether phsyically, verbally, emotionally, or via any other means) in the process. I really am sorry, even though I might not make a good show of that.

That somewhat leads into another issue. I'm tired of no one seeing me for who I am. I tend to not give much away with my face (maybe I should play more poker?), but since when was that the deciding factor in what a person was feeling. I'm tired of people assuming that because I appear calm, nothing is the matter. I'm sorry to burst everyone's bubble, but I'm not the completely fearless guy you all think I am (or do you? Am I just living in a delusion? Meh). I'm afraid of this whole Australia thing. God is going to hold me to account for everyone's spiritual health. No pressure, eh? But, just because I keep pushing forward doesn't mean that I'm not terrified. Trust me, it doesn't mean that at all. I am.

And, on a less vulnerable note (just having given away my most closely guarded secret...), I think one of my favorite things is a shared moment of laughter or camaraderie between complete strangers. That moment when two people who know nothing about each other share a genuine laugh or smile, and not one forced by society or convention. Example: the other day, I was driving with my friend Nic when I noticed a guy definitely go (illegally) the wrong way on a roundabout. I burst out laughing, nudged Nic and nodded in the direction of the car as it was passing. The passenger of the car (I can only assume she was the girlfriend) saw me looking at them and laughing, and she laughed, and nudged the driver, I assume to tell him about me sharing their little joke. Its those moments of shared joy that give me hope for humanity.

However, the American Wesleyan Church doesn't give me much hope (this goes with any Christian Church caught up in the numbers game, instead of the Kingdom game). As long as you abstain from alcohol, smoking, and make sure you vote Republican (because they care about the babies and straight people, irregardless of the rest of the world), you're in. Anything else...well, that's the short road to the hot place. I can't even begin to articulate my fury at this. In fact, because I even broached the topic, I can safely guarantee that I won't get to sleep for at least an hour after I go to bed. Wake up, guys. C'mon. Its not about appearing holy, or good, or righteous...its about wading into the grime and muck and the sewage of humanity, and fighting for that one all important pearl of great price. Sell all that you have for that pearl, for that pearl is precious beyond everything. It is the Kingdom of God, a Kingdom of love, of compassion, of fairness, and equality. This issue will be dealt with in later posts, I promise. In more depth and precision. But, I'm tired.

Good night.