I think I'm tired. Of sundry and varied things.
I'm tired of here. I want to get to Australia already. This is ridiculous. When I prayed for patience, this is not what I meant.
I'm tired of church. I didn't go on Sunday. No one missed me, and I missed nothing. I'm tired of church pandering to the felt needs of the masses, as opposed to speaking directly to the deep desires of the soul. If Christ just preached to the felt needs, He would have overthrown Rome and established a Jewish political state. Instead, He changed everything we thought we knew, as well as everything we could ever learn.
I'm tired of the ludicrous things my emotions are doing. I like it better when I can pretend they don't exist, or that they don't affect me. Emotions are fine things when you control them, but when they control you? Lame. Refer back to point #1.
I'm tired of being tired. I might not be the only one who is reaching out to the people outside of the fold of God, but sometimes it sure as heck feels like it. Refer back to point #2.
I'm tired of having nothing to work towards. Yes, there is Australia. Yes, I keep doing the work for that. But, that's it, and that's two months distant. I want to get in the game. The sidelines are all well and good, but seriously. I'm looking for life to actually mean something again, as opposed to just staying in this absurd holding pattern.
Dumb. But, I'm tired, so I'm going to bed.
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- Jesse
- I defy description. And convention. And communism.
6 comments:
I'm tired too. Maybe not that tired--but tired.
sometimes I feel the same way. We'll comiserate on our way to moley's.
This is why I love post-apocalyptic zombie movies. See, when you're plotting how to find food and water while avoiding the terrifying denizens of the night and trekking across country to find sanctuary or rescue your family, life feels pretty meaningful.
Heck, pump-action-shotguns make life more meaningful, too, just by their very existence. And obscenely powerful four-wheel-drive vehicles. With mounted machine guns.
No, I didn't just finish watching "28 Days Later"...
Seriously, I feel it too. Ben gave me a book once about spiritual growth, and the best point it made was that God chose for children to become adults slowly, like trees, growing little by little, almost imperceptibly, until the world is changed.
stay strong.
:\ It's hard work, getting to the place where you're doing something important and fulfilling. And when they [the people I work with and the books we produce] say things like "serve God where you are and that should be enough," they don't describe how much that sucks. I'm pretty sure I don't fully agree.
Transitions are awful. Transitions that you have to wait months for are even worse, because there's nothing to do with all the fears and apprehensions about the future. You just have to. wait. I feel like this about getting a real job. And about being married. What if bad things happen? What if suddenly everyone wants me to stop working and pop out babies? What if the work that satisfies me and the work that satisfies Jeff are located in different states? What if I'm secretly about to be oppressed? What if children ruin my life? Nothing I can do about it right now...just have to wait. And wait, for the bad things to happen and hopefully the wisdom to happen too. Blegh.
It does suck having nothing purposeful to do. I lose a handle on who I am when that happens.
Hey Jesse!
Good luck on your travels to Ozzie land. We all love you very much!
XXOO
your other mother
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