There are several different things I'd like to talk about, none of which have any real relevance to each other. So...that's what I'm going to do.
I'm slowly going crazy from all the emotional rubbish of getting ready to leave. I'm used to being the stoic one of everyone, the one who is level-headed. Well, for better or worse, that is not the case...and I'm not a fan. So, I apologize to everyone I'll maim (whether phsyically, verbally, emotionally, or via any other means) in the process. I really am sorry, even though I might not make a good show of that.
That somewhat leads into another issue. I'm tired of no one seeing me for who I am. I tend to not give much away with my face (maybe I should play more poker?), but since when was that the deciding factor in what a person was feeling. I'm tired of people assuming that because I appear calm, nothing is the matter. I'm sorry to burst everyone's bubble, but I'm not the completely fearless guy you all think I am (or do you? Am I just living in a delusion? Meh). I'm afraid of this whole Australia thing. God is going to hold me to account for everyone's spiritual health. No pressure, eh? But, just because I keep pushing forward doesn't mean that I'm not terrified. Trust me, it doesn't mean that at all. I am.
And, on a less vulnerable note (just having given away my most closely guarded secret...), I think one of my favorite things is a shared moment of laughter or camaraderie between complete strangers. That moment when two people who know nothing about each other share a genuine laugh or smile, and not one forced by society or convention. Example: the other day, I was driving with my friend Nic when I noticed a guy definitely go (illegally) the wrong way on a roundabout. I burst out laughing, nudged Nic and nodded in the direction of the car as it was passing. The passenger of the car (I can only assume she was the girlfriend) saw me looking at them and laughing, and she laughed, and nudged the driver, I assume to tell him about me sharing their little joke. Its those moments of shared joy that give me hope for humanity.
However, the American Wesleyan Church doesn't give me much hope (this goes with any Christian Church caught up in the numbers game, instead of the Kingdom game). As long as you abstain from alcohol, smoking, and make sure you vote Republican (because they care about the babies and straight people, irregardless of the rest of the world), you're in. Anything else...well, that's the short road to the hot place. I can't even begin to articulate my fury at this. In fact, because I even broached the topic, I can safely guarantee that I won't get to sleep for at least an hour after I go to bed. Wake up, guys. C'mon. Its not about appearing holy, or good, or righteous...its about wading into the grime and muck and the sewage of humanity, and fighting for that one all important pearl of great price. Sell all that you have for that pearl, for that pearl is precious beyond everything. It is the Kingdom of God, a Kingdom of love, of compassion, of fairness, and equality. This issue will be dealt with in later posts, I promise. In more depth and precision. But, I'm tired.
Good night.
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- Jesse
- I defy description. And convention. And communism.
1 comment:
So, hi. I just want you to know that you have been and will continue to be in my prayers, Jesse. I know it's been a while since we've talked, but you have not been forgotten, nor will you ever be. I know that there is a lot of fear and anxiety and such that you are feeling. I know I may not do a good job of showing it, but I just wanted to tell you that I see you, and I care. I know that you will make it through this. Don't think that you are alone, though, because you are not. We all love you, Jesse, and are here for you and are continually praying for you. You don't always have to be the strong one. It's hard, though. But you can do this. Let Christ be your strength. Let God stand before you, beside you, behind you, above you, underneath you, and within you as you push ever onward. God is going to use you to bless so many lives in Australia, as He already has done here. He's working a great thing in you, Jesse. And He won't leave you hanging. He will provide you with all you need, in His time. I think that life would not be so exciting if there was no fear involved. It's the fear that can either hold us back and keep us from moving on, or push us to take that step of faith and journey on.
God bless
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