The Way of the Cross

I watched the movie 'Amazing Grace' recently, and it brought up a lot of things in my mind. The movie, for those of you who don't know, is about the campaign in England to abolish the slave trade, a movement which inspired the famous hymn the movie is named after.

The principle thing that it brought to mind was how the main character worked his whole life towards his goal of abolishing slavery in England, a pursuit that cost him greatly, in terms of his physical and emotional health. He suffered from colitis (I believe that's what it was), a condition most likely caused by being worn so emotionally thin from the campaign that his body suffered as well. But, ultimately, he saw his victory.

I desperately want to live that life.

I want to pour myself out as a sacrifice for Christ, working and striving always to further His Kingdom, both through my living and potentially through my dying. I want to be able to look back at the end of my life, and have given my all, successful or not. I want to spread the love of God everywhere I go, regardless of opposition.

And that brings me to the church in Maitland. I was recently disheartened when I was thinking of the way to go forward with the church here, and what factors would have to be overcome. The church is fragmented, not in terms of internal church politics, but in terms of myriad groups coming together. This has the potential to be an amazing part of the Body of Christ, a real celebration of diversity...but, that will be a long time in coming, methinks.

So, here I am, realizing this ministry is much bigger than I am, and that there is no sign on the horizon of success, either immediate or long-term. Its all well and good to talk about the theoretical aspects of picking up your cross daily, but its a different matter when the discussions end and its time to sign on the proverbial dotted line.

I have the pen, but I'm realizing what it means if I sign. This kind of thing goes against all that our culture teaches us, in that I will not be simply showing up to consume, and going where its easy. This will involve me getting stubborn and stuck in, refusing to surrender when times are difficult. That means when the horizon shows no signs of light, I push on for dawn.

It means, fully dying to self, and becoming alive to God.

Again, a concept that is easier said than done. So, in order to keep this marathon post from becoming too epic, I'll end it here. I'll need your prayers, and, if you're ever in the area, a visit would not go amiss either. I will need your encouragement, and your Reese's peanut butter cups (that's not a metaphor...they don't sell them down here). So, keep me in mind when next you pray...I'll be most appreciative.

The Weirding Way

Well, here I am.
Australia.
Maitland.
Church.
My job.

Home.

After cramming a four year degree into five years, here I am. I spent three of those years being fairly rigidly devoted to learning what it means, academically, to do ministry. And, I even knew that I'd have to more or less re-learn everything once I actually got into ministry.

But, none of my classes prepared me for the sheer 'weirdness' of it all. After devoting my life (for the most part) to preparing me for this, its hard to fully grasp the fact that its here. No longer, when I have a suggestion for a ministry, do I go hint at it to the pastor. Nope. Now, I am the pastor. And, if I could find the darn formatting for this, 'am' would've been in italics.

Its also a bit hard to settle in, because right now I'm just staying with the vice chairman and his wife. They are wonderful people without a doubt (and I'm absolutely looking forward to working with them), but I think just the mere fact that there's not a place I can "call my own", so to speak, makes things a bit more difficult. It would be easier to help me get acclimated, if I could start setting a place up with my stuff and everything, start getting accustomed to my own way (which is half the reason I moved halfway around the world...to really strike out on my own).

I'm not sure if there is a way to prepare someone for all this, or even if its mostly compounded by the fact that I'm also in another country, but it is what it is. Weird.

Speaking of another country, I definitely like being here. I'm glad I signed up. I very much enjoy all the people I have to work with, and even though the youth group might be...exuberant, for the most part they're good kids. This is definitely a good starting church, if not one to continue at in the long term.

Well, I should be posting more, but its already 11:30 and I'm still in my pajamas, and there are a few things I need to do yet (like, eat...), so I'm off. I welcome any and all correspondence, especially in the way of goodies sent to me via snail mail (this will be easier once I get an apartment, and an address).

Endurance...?

I think I'm tired. Of sundry and varied things.

I'm tired of here. I want to get to Australia already. This is ridiculous. When I prayed for patience, this is not what I meant.

I'm tired of church. I didn't go on Sunday. No one missed me, and I missed nothing. I'm tired of church pandering to the felt needs of the masses, as opposed to speaking directly to the deep desires of the soul. If Christ just preached to the felt needs, He would have overthrown Rome and established a Jewish political state. Instead, He changed everything we thought we knew, as well as everything we could ever learn.

I'm tired of the ludicrous things my emotions are doing. I like it better when I can pretend they don't exist, or that they don't affect me. Emotions are fine things when you control them, but when they control you? Lame. Refer back to point #1.

I'm tired of being tired. I might not be the only one who is reaching out to the people outside of the fold of God, but sometimes it sure as heck feels like it. Refer back to point #2.

I'm tired of having nothing to work towards. Yes, there is Australia. Yes, I keep doing the work for that. But, that's it, and that's two months distant. I want to get in the game. The sidelines are all well and good, but seriously. I'm looking for life to actually mean something again, as opposed to just staying in this absurd holding pattern.

Dumb. But, I'm tired, so I'm going to bed.

Movie

I'm writing a movie script, I think. I bought a book about script writing, and I think I'm going to follow along with what the author says.

Its going to be a Western-ish movie, perhaps in a sci-fi setting, as that might allow for a bit more freedom in style and execution. I think the main character will be a young-ish guy who kind of stumbles into the whole thing, and is insecure and unsure, but also resolute in his desire to do what must be done. "What must be done" has yet to be decided, though.

If anyone is interested in reading and/or helping with the script, please let me know. People with good writing/editing skills would be greatly appreciated. And, anyone with a unabiding love of Westerns (like myself) is also eagerly desired. Let me know. Word.

Odds and Ends

There are several different things I'd like to talk about, none of which have any real relevance to each other. So...that's what I'm going to do.

I'm slowly going crazy from all the emotional rubbish of getting ready to leave. I'm used to being the stoic one of everyone, the one who is level-headed. Well, for better or worse, that is not the case...and I'm not a fan. So, I apologize to everyone I'll maim (whether phsyically, verbally, emotionally, or via any other means) in the process. I really am sorry, even though I might not make a good show of that.

That somewhat leads into another issue. I'm tired of no one seeing me for who I am. I tend to not give much away with my face (maybe I should play more poker?), but since when was that the deciding factor in what a person was feeling. I'm tired of people assuming that because I appear calm, nothing is the matter. I'm sorry to burst everyone's bubble, but I'm not the completely fearless guy you all think I am (or do you? Am I just living in a delusion? Meh). I'm afraid of this whole Australia thing. God is going to hold me to account for everyone's spiritual health. No pressure, eh? But, just because I keep pushing forward doesn't mean that I'm not terrified. Trust me, it doesn't mean that at all. I am.

And, on a less vulnerable note (just having given away my most closely guarded secret...), I think one of my favorite things is a shared moment of laughter or camaraderie between complete strangers. That moment when two people who know nothing about each other share a genuine laugh or smile, and not one forced by society or convention. Example: the other day, I was driving with my friend Nic when I noticed a guy definitely go (illegally) the wrong way on a roundabout. I burst out laughing, nudged Nic and nodded in the direction of the car as it was passing. The passenger of the car (I can only assume she was the girlfriend) saw me looking at them and laughing, and she laughed, and nudged the driver, I assume to tell him about me sharing their little joke. Its those moments of shared joy that give me hope for humanity.

However, the American Wesleyan Church doesn't give me much hope (this goes with any Christian Church caught up in the numbers game, instead of the Kingdom game). As long as you abstain from alcohol, smoking, and make sure you vote Republican (because they care about the babies and straight people, irregardless of the rest of the world), you're in. Anything else...well, that's the short road to the hot place. I can't even begin to articulate my fury at this. In fact, because I even broached the topic, I can safely guarantee that I won't get to sleep for at least an hour after I go to bed. Wake up, guys. C'mon. Its not about appearing holy, or good, or righteous...its about wading into the grime and muck and the sewage of humanity, and fighting for that one all important pearl of great price. Sell all that you have for that pearl, for that pearl is precious beyond everything. It is the Kingdom of God, a Kingdom of love, of compassion, of fairness, and equality. This issue will be dealt with in later posts, I promise. In more depth and precision. But, I'm tired.

Good night.

Family

So, here I am. In the Asheville, NC airport, waiting for my plan to arrive, load, and leave, hopefully in that order. Originally, my flight left roughly an hour ago, but I took a bump for a $200 voucher, to sit here for the next half an hour or so.

I've been traveling to visit family for the last week and a half, and am now going up to Minneapolis to visit my father for the next week. Its been really good to visit all my family members, because I feel like through our stories and talks, I've been able to reacquaint myself with my grandparents, both long dead. Its also made me fairly sad, because I know that they both loved me very, very deeply (something I'm only just beginning to touch the depths of), and, my grandmother especially, would have loved to have hosted me and my friends for visits.

I am on the tail-end of staying with my great-aunt Margie. I'll admit to being a little dubious about what she and I would have a chance to do and have in common, but the trip was a real joy. She and my grandmother were two of four sisters, all of whom played backgammon competitively. I have the rare (and perhaps singular) honor of being able to say that I beat all four of the Steves sisters at the game, something I reinforced by beating Auntie Marge in a grand total of five games to her two.

In doing so, though, Aunt Marge pointed out a couple of ways that I was like my own grandmother. Grammie was ultra-competitive (in a fun sort of way), and whenever she would be beaten, she would tease the victor by saying "oh, it was just an accident". I found myself doing the same thing, and was overjoyed to have Margie throwing it right back at me. (Me: You're cheating! Aunt Marge: I just watched what you did, and did that!).

After numerous discussions with my family, though, I found something interesting. In a culture that suffers both from the deterioration of the family unit, its not surprising we also ask what we think is a fundamental identity question, Who am I? But, is that question fundamental?

From what I've seen, this questions often stems from people who did not come from a strong family background. I didn't. I ask who I am. There's no rock on which to anchor, no overarching story to tie into and establish an identity through that. My faith plays a large part in that area for me now, but I don't think my faith alone can do that.

God has chosen to work through the family unit, and this is one way He has done so. By seeing our own selves in those of our parents, our similarities, our differences, we can understand who we really are. By refusing to use that as a cue for what makes us 'us', we may never really understand our deepest selves. Yes, there are many (!!) aspects of my parents I don't want to exhibit, but I do anyway. Denying I'm like them won't change the facts, it will just blind my perception in dangerous ways.

In a culture where the individuals so desperately want to know their identities, ignoring a potential source of that information is not only foolhardy, but can be dangerous if we don't realize the snares that entangle our parents might entangle us as well.

Well, my plane's here. Word.

Dark Holiness II (ish)

First off, let me say 'thank you' to all the people that commented on my last post. I do appreciate all that you've said, and helped me to think about. As such, I wanted to do a follow-up, so to speak.

Both Shane and Dan brought up good points about are ethics really the point, or is it rather more about love. I especially like Dan's bit about perhaps God was applauding the actor and not the action (not least because he used the word 'spunk'). I think maybe that is the key point in the whole thing...while God does desire for us to be made daily in His image, He loves us unconditionally. God loved Tamar, and the fire in her spirit that made her stand-up to the false righteousness in Judah. Keep in mind that Tamar was also not a Hebrew, nor really a worshipper of Yahweh, both facts that add in all kinds of fun complications.

Maybe that is the reason Genesis 38 is thrown in there, a reason we can only truly understand seen through the lens of Jesus. The idea that God loves us, no matter what we've done. Period. Full stop. End of story.

Ethics and 'holiness' are worthwhile and good as guidelines, but they are only just that...guidelines. When the fecal matter hits the air extruder, ethics and holiness are only so valuable. And, maybe, just maybe, that's the point.

I also really liked Jeremy's definition of holiness as the "natural development that stems from an intimate relationship and a deep desire to please the lover of our soul". I think when we think of holiness as just a list of things of what Christians do or don't do, we can really miss the point. Its not just about actions, although those play a significant part. Its about internal transformation, a point that far too many of American Christians miss. Coming up with more rules won't make people holier, rather they'll just end up becoming more legalistic. This is not to say we should throw out all rules, but has regulating everything every really worked?

Perhaps I'm showing my hand a bit too much, but the only exception I take to that definition of holiness is the 'natural' part. On the one hand, I fully agree...if you spend a long time with someone, you naturally become like them, and Jesus is no exception. But, at the same time, the pursuit of holiness often seems like its anything but natural. I fight an uphill battle against myself every day, and I always seem to be losing (how's that for a conundrum?). I so desperately want to be like Him, but at the same time, I'm just as desperately afraid to take the steps of faith.

I wish I had a good ending for this post, that would wrap everything up in a nice, neat little package, all answers included with interest. But, no. That does seem to follow the pattern of the entry, though, saying that we can't answer everything fully, but we just need to go out and meet each day. Holiness is not a list we can check off, but a lifestyle of love. We can't let the expectations of others and our desire for approval shape our lives, but rather the unconditional, infinite love of our Lord and Redeemer guide our steps, one at a time.

Your thoughts?