I have come to the conclusion that no job is more mercenary than that of minister.
As a minister, my whole life is governed by my job. No matter how frustrated or what I desire, I am always "on call". There can always be that 3 am phone call that I'm needed, and it is expected that I will be there at my earliest opportunity.
My soul is under review. As much as they are able, people look at my life and my teaching in order to decide if I truly am a good and reliable representation of Jesus Christ. And, depending on the individual, its quite possible they will fill you in on their thoughts and suggestions.
All of who I am is bought and sold. When I sign up to take a job as a pastor, I am not just agreeing they get a say in the hours spent at work, I am agreeing that they get a say in virtually all of my life. Everything is affected.
When you hire a mercenary, you are buying their work. What they do in their spare time is largely their own. In the odd case, you might also be buying their lives, as, by the very nature of the soldierly trade, they could give their lives in your service. But as a minister, everything is touched. What I do in my spare time directly and significantly affects my sermons on Sunday, not to mention all of my visiting and sermon preparation.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, it just struck me the other day. How so much of my life is governed and dictated by my career. I don't regret accepting this calling, by any means, but there is still (and always will be) room for self-reflection and introspection.
I once heard the comment "if you can possibly live your life, and NOT be a pastor, do that." If, though, your life is simply incompatible with not being in the ministry, then perhaps you are called. If you hear all the downsides, all the difficulties, the trials and tribulations...if you hear that your soul and who you are at your very deepest core will be covered by a job, that it is not humanly possible for you to be paid enough for what you have to give up...if you know all that, and part of you is still interested, perhaps you are called.
Or, you are a fool.
Or, more likely, both.
05 August 2009
21 August 2008
Administration of Grace
"This is the reason that I Paul am a prisoner for Christ Jesus for the sake of you Gentiles - for surely you have already heard of the commission of God's grace that was given me for you, and how the mystery was made know to me by revelation, as I wrote above in a few words, a reading of which will enable you to perceive my understanding of the mystery of Christ."
--Ephesians 3:1-4
Paul was "...circumcised on the eight day, a member of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew born of Hebrews; as to the law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to righteousness under the Law, blameless."
--Philippians 3:5-6
Paul, the apostle to the Gentiles, used to be a Pharisee. At first, we think "oh, he's finally understood that righteousness comes from faith, not the Law", and, yes, we'd be correct.
But.
The Pharisees hated the Gentiles. "Gentiles were created for the fires of hell", taught one teacher. Paul, zealous to the extreme, would have known this and practiced this. He would have condemned the Gentiles, never eating with them or being around them, so as to stay "clean" before the Law.
And, yet, God has chosen him, Paul, a Hebrew of Hebrews, a Pharisee before the Law, to preach to the Gentiles. God has taken the one least likely to do this naturally, and redeemed him. God has taken Paul's weakness and used it for His glory.
Isn't that the way of it? Isn't that the Way of Christ?
God taking our weakness, our failings, and using them for His glory. I struggle with paying attention...voila, instant ministry to many of the youth in my church. I struggle with feeling loved...and, voila, instant understanding of what many people are going through, and an aid in reaching them with the love of Christ. My parents are divorced...I understand the frustration, the anger, the agony of going through that and can reach out to all the people that come from broken and shattered families.
I hate that. I hate that God uses my weaknesses most. Why can't He just make me better, and THEN I can minister?
Because, its not about me. Its not about what I can do. Its not about how I can reach. Its not about how smart I am, how intelligent I sound, how good I look...any of it. Its not about me.
Its about God. Its about His glory.
We live in a broken world, tainted and marred by sin. And, so often, we close our eyes and pretend we are perfect. We cut others down ruthlessly to build ourselves back up (no one is more guilty of this than I). We point out all the imperfections in others, and then get defensive when someone mentions a possible misstep on our part.
Instead, Christ calls us to throw our broken selves before the throne of grace. Let us take Paul's example and let God change and use our inmost and deepest chasms of hate, let God redeem them with His grace and His love.
Once again, I feel like I have fallen far short in describing the indescribable. I wish I could convey the beauty of the grandeur of God's grace. However, it is not something that can be described; only something that can be experienced. Immerse yourself in the Word of God, and there meet the Living and Active Christ.
--Ephesians 3:1-4
Paul was "...circumcised on the eight day, a member of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew born of Hebrews; as to the law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to righteousness under the Law, blameless."
--Philippians 3:5-6
Paul, the apostle to the Gentiles, used to be a Pharisee. At first, we think "oh, he's finally understood that righteousness comes from faith, not the Law", and, yes, we'd be correct.
But.
The Pharisees hated the Gentiles. "Gentiles were created for the fires of hell", taught one teacher. Paul, zealous to the extreme, would have known this and practiced this. He would have condemned the Gentiles, never eating with them or being around them, so as to stay "clean" before the Law.
And, yet, God has chosen him, Paul, a Hebrew of Hebrews, a Pharisee before the Law, to preach to the Gentiles. God has taken the one least likely to do this naturally, and redeemed him. God has taken Paul's weakness and used it for His glory.
Isn't that the way of it? Isn't that the Way of Christ?
God taking our weakness, our failings, and using them for His glory. I struggle with paying attention...voila, instant ministry to many of the youth in my church. I struggle with feeling loved...and, voila, instant understanding of what many people are going through, and an aid in reaching them with the love of Christ. My parents are divorced...I understand the frustration, the anger, the agony of going through that and can reach out to all the people that come from broken and shattered families.
I hate that. I hate that God uses my weaknesses most. Why can't He just make me better, and THEN I can minister?
Because, its not about me. Its not about what I can do. Its not about how I can reach. Its not about how smart I am, how intelligent I sound, how good I look...any of it. Its not about me.
Its about God. Its about His glory.
We live in a broken world, tainted and marred by sin. And, so often, we close our eyes and pretend we are perfect. We cut others down ruthlessly to build ourselves back up (no one is more guilty of this than I). We point out all the imperfections in others, and then get defensive when someone mentions a possible misstep on our part.
Instead, Christ calls us to throw our broken selves before the throne of grace. Let us take Paul's example and let God change and use our inmost and deepest chasms of hate, let God redeem them with His grace and His love.
Once again, I feel like I have fallen far short in describing the indescribable. I wish I could convey the beauty of the grandeur of God's grace. However, it is not something that can be described; only something that can be experienced. Immerse yourself in the Word of God, and there meet the Living and Active Christ.
17 March 2008
A thought
I think the hardest part of being a pastor is that at the time I am realizing how desperately I need other people, the fewer people around me actually know who I really am.
15 February 2008
Heads or Tails
How can I possibly sum up my time here so far?
The answer: I can't. So, I won't try. I will, however, let you into a few thoughts I've had as of late.
Personality. The one I am most familiar with, of course, is my own.
Now, before I go on, I realize that some of what I'm going to say might sound arrogant. Two things...one, there might be a bit of that involved, but I really do try and keep it minimal. Two, it is, after all, my blog, so...yeah. Boom.
I find that often people think that I have a personality that is enviable. Not everyone, and its quite possible I'm making more out of this than I should. But, for the sake of argument, go with me.
I think the problem with personalities is that we just look at the good or the bad, and not how they are related. We look too much at one aspect or another, and not how they are interconnected. We forget that strengths and weaknesses are not two different things, but just the same trait in different circumstances. Two sides of the same coin, so to speak.
People think I am confident, and yes, I am. But, the issue is that I am confident in 95% or so of life...but, the areas where I'm not, I'm at a complete loss. I am so used to be confident that when I am not, it makes the lack of confidence that much stronger. Not unlike being in a bright room and then going out into the dark. Not only can you not see, but it feels that much worse because seconds before you could see so clearly.
I am an extremely independent person. This has its advantages, to be sure, in the fact that I can and do make my own decisions quickly. I can do my own thing, and be perfectly fine if no one else comes along. But, that's not how life works. Americans like to think that's what life is, but its not. We are not just individuals, but more individual parts of a greater whole. Yes, my decisions should be made quickly, but they should not be made at the expense of the community. So, independence is good, but only when tempered with a genuine care for the community.
I often make decisions very quickly, often to the point of being rash. On the one hand, yes, that's good...people react well to a confident decisive leader. But, being decisive also tends to become its own master, developing a life of its own. Decisiveness often gives way to impatience, and the motivating factor just becomes not wanting to slow down. Speed begins the decision maker, as opposed to logic or common sense. Decisiveness, good. Impatience, bad.
I don't know how well I've done at demonstrating that these traits are two sides of the same coin. Decisiveness is what it is called in one situation, impatience in another. I think the issue comes in that we just see it as EITHER decisiveness OR impatience, and not the same thing. We like to make the issues black and white, good and bad. That's not how life works, though. Life is a cacophony of color, as even gray doesn't begin to encompass all that we would hope. People are not just one thing or another, but are somewhere on a spectrum.
So, instead of looking at how awful a person's tendencies are or even how wonderful they are, we need to realize that there is more to the story. Instead of focusing just on the downside of impatience, we should encourage the person to be decisive, but also to help temper that a bit. Instead of praising someone for their independence, we need to help them to temper it a bit with looking to the communal good above that of themselves.
And, look in our own lives. We are not just bad, or good. We are somewhere in the middle, and coming to terms with our own character traits is important. Realize that if you are often someone's doormat, that also means you are quite caring and compassionate. It just means you need to temper that compassion with a bit of steel in your spine, and realize that compassion is also imposing boundaries on people, not letting them just walk all over you. We need to learn to use our brokenness for the greater good, and not just look at our lives and mope. Yes, I fall short...but, I can use each one of my stumbles as a lesson both for myself and for others.
So, whenever you look at the coin of your personality, whether it comes up heads or tails...realize that you are the coin itself, and not just one side of it.
The answer: I can't. So, I won't try. I will, however, let you into a few thoughts I've had as of late.
Personality. The one I am most familiar with, of course, is my own.
Now, before I go on, I realize that some of what I'm going to say might sound arrogant. Two things...one, there might be a bit of that involved, but I really do try and keep it minimal. Two, it is, after all, my blog, so...yeah. Boom.
I find that often people think that I have a personality that is enviable. Not everyone, and its quite possible I'm making more out of this than I should. But, for the sake of argument, go with me.
I think the problem with personalities is that we just look at the good or the bad, and not how they are related. We look too much at one aspect or another, and not how they are interconnected. We forget that strengths and weaknesses are not two different things, but just the same trait in different circumstances. Two sides of the same coin, so to speak.
People think I am confident, and yes, I am. But, the issue is that I am confident in 95% or so of life...but, the areas where I'm not, I'm at a complete loss. I am so used to be confident that when I am not, it makes the lack of confidence that much stronger. Not unlike being in a bright room and then going out into the dark. Not only can you not see, but it feels that much worse because seconds before you could see so clearly.
I am an extremely independent person. This has its advantages, to be sure, in the fact that I can and do make my own decisions quickly. I can do my own thing, and be perfectly fine if no one else comes along. But, that's not how life works. Americans like to think that's what life is, but its not. We are not just individuals, but more individual parts of a greater whole. Yes, my decisions should be made quickly, but they should not be made at the expense of the community. So, independence is good, but only when tempered with a genuine care for the community.
I often make decisions very quickly, often to the point of being rash. On the one hand, yes, that's good...people react well to a confident decisive leader. But, being decisive also tends to become its own master, developing a life of its own. Decisiveness often gives way to impatience, and the motivating factor just becomes not wanting to slow down. Speed begins the decision maker, as opposed to logic or common sense. Decisiveness, good. Impatience, bad.
I don't know how well I've done at demonstrating that these traits are two sides of the same coin. Decisiveness is what it is called in one situation, impatience in another. I think the issue comes in that we just see it as EITHER decisiveness OR impatience, and not the same thing. We like to make the issues black and white, good and bad. That's not how life works, though. Life is a cacophony of color, as even gray doesn't begin to encompass all that we would hope. People are not just one thing or another, but are somewhere on a spectrum.
So, instead of looking at how awful a person's tendencies are or even how wonderful they are, we need to realize that there is more to the story. Instead of focusing just on the downside of impatience, we should encourage the person to be decisive, but also to help temper that a bit. Instead of praising someone for their independence, we need to help them to temper it a bit with looking to the communal good above that of themselves.
And, look in our own lives. We are not just bad, or good. We are somewhere in the middle, and coming to terms with our own character traits is important. Realize that if you are often someone's doormat, that also means you are quite caring and compassionate. It just means you need to temper that compassion with a bit of steel in your spine, and realize that compassion is also imposing boundaries on people, not letting them just walk all over you. We need to learn to use our brokenness for the greater good, and not just look at our lives and mope. Yes, I fall short...but, I can use each one of my stumbles as a lesson both for myself and for others.
So, whenever you look at the coin of your personality, whether it comes up heads or tails...realize that you are the coin itself, and not just one side of it.
19 January 2008
The best of Conferences, the worst of Conferences
I just got back from National Conference a few days ago. Ok, one day ago. Yesterday.
Anyway, it was amazing. On a couple of nights, the call to worship was done by a didjeridoo by the recently started ministry to Indigenous People (Aborigines), called Baparrdu (I may have completely butchered the spelling on that...). I cannot tell you how joyful it makes me when I see God worshipped in ways of different cultures. The gospel of grace through Christ is taken and made culturally relevant in ways that speak to the people of that culture...and when I see that, I am humbled and in awe of the majesty and glory of God.
It deeply saddens me when missionaries (past and present) take the gospel the way it is meaningful to them, and try and shove that down the throats of various indigenous people. God has been there long before then, why not look to see His footprints and follow them to find out where He's working? (Not my metaphor, but I stole it because it was Glen O'Brien is a genius for using it).
That kind of culturally arrogant attitude led to genocide and the reason people bristle at the term missionary. How did we stray so horrifically from the cool drink to a parched soul that is the gospel of Our Lord Jesus Christ?
But, I saw the gospel shown in beautiful ways at Conference. The didjeridoo. The service led by our Christian brothers and sisters in the Solomon Islands. All the myriad Islander cultures seen and heard. Beautiful. Almost to the point of tears, which for me, is saying a lot.
And, then there were the white guys. Once again, a splendid lesson in missing the point.
The debate was over education. Do we streamline the requirements for ordination, in order to bring in more ministers? The correct answer, of course, being no...but, oddly enough, the correct answer wasn't seen as correct by everyone.
Now, I realize that I'm biased in that I'm an academic person, and so having study requirements does not adversely affect me. But, I still don't see why we're cutting those out. Just because I'm not good at something does not mean it should be omitted from the requirements. I'm not good at patience, but I would in no way advocate cutting that out of the requirements of a minister (as outlined by St. Paul, in Galatians 5:22).
What we are ultimately saying is that if you don't like education, that's ok...we'll make it all easier for you. We as a denomination are saying that if things are difficult, then they should change. Not that you need to learn to do things that are difficult, because heaven forbid we learn endurance and steadfastness, learn the ability to push through difficulties that we don't particularly enjoy to reach the shores of the place that we don't particularly deserve.
It scares me that the denomination is so quick to get people into the pulpits. Yes, we need pastors...but, we need Godly men and women in the pulpits, not just some random people that like attention so feel "the call" into ministry. Yeah, hang up...the call isn't for you.
But, the Kingdom is like that. We must wrestle with this fundamental and important questions, even when we don't all agree. It would be a lot easier, though, if everybody realize that I'm always right and just installed me as Dictator-for-Life of The Church. Like the Pope, but better.
And, in other news, I have internets at my house now. This is good.
Anyway, it was amazing. On a couple of nights, the call to worship was done by a didjeridoo by the recently started ministry to Indigenous People (Aborigines), called Baparrdu (I may have completely butchered the spelling on that...). I cannot tell you how joyful it makes me when I see God worshipped in ways of different cultures. The gospel of grace through Christ is taken and made culturally relevant in ways that speak to the people of that culture...and when I see that, I am humbled and in awe of the majesty and glory of God.
It deeply saddens me when missionaries (past and present) take the gospel the way it is meaningful to them, and try and shove that down the throats of various indigenous people. God has been there long before then, why not look to see His footprints and follow them to find out where He's working? (Not my metaphor, but I stole it because it was Glen O'Brien is a genius for using it).
That kind of culturally arrogant attitude led to genocide and the reason people bristle at the term missionary. How did we stray so horrifically from the cool drink to a parched soul that is the gospel of Our Lord Jesus Christ?
But, I saw the gospel shown in beautiful ways at Conference. The didjeridoo. The service led by our Christian brothers and sisters in the Solomon Islands. All the myriad Islander cultures seen and heard. Beautiful. Almost to the point of tears, which for me, is saying a lot.
And, then there were the white guys. Once again, a splendid lesson in missing the point.
The debate was over education. Do we streamline the requirements for ordination, in order to bring in more ministers? The correct answer, of course, being no...but, oddly enough, the correct answer wasn't seen as correct by everyone.
Now, I realize that I'm biased in that I'm an academic person, and so having study requirements does not adversely affect me. But, I still don't see why we're cutting those out. Just because I'm not good at something does not mean it should be omitted from the requirements. I'm not good at patience, but I would in no way advocate cutting that out of the requirements of a minister (as outlined by St. Paul, in Galatians 5:22).
What we are ultimately saying is that if you don't like education, that's ok...we'll make it all easier for you. We as a denomination are saying that if things are difficult, then they should change. Not that you need to learn to do things that are difficult, because heaven forbid we learn endurance and steadfastness, learn the ability to push through difficulties that we don't particularly enjoy to reach the shores of the place that we don't particularly deserve.
It scares me that the denomination is so quick to get people into the pulpits. Yes, we need pastors...but, we need Godly men and women in the pulpits, not just some random people that like attention so feel "the call" into ministry. Yeah, hang up...the call isn't for you.
But, the Kingdom is like that. We must wrestle with this fundamental and important questions, even when we don't all agree. It would be a lot easier, though, if everybody realize that I'm always right and just installed me as Dictator-for-Life of The Church. Like the Pope, but better.
And, in other news, I have internets at my house now. This is good.
04 January 2008
The Friendship of Loneliness
Where to start, where to start...
In many ways, I have often felt lonely (you just have to look back at previous posts to see what I'm referring to). I rarely "fit in", and on the odd chance that I do, my weird personality forces me to find ways to make it so I don't. So, loneliness is a feeling I am used to. Its my one constant companion, you could say.
However, life is different now.
Now, I am alone. Not in the sense of me having not as many friends I can hang out with, but more that I have no friends I can hang out with. My closest friends are 2 hours away (assuming there's no traffic). Yes, there are people at the church I like, and most of them I enjoy talking to...but, they will always be members of my congregation. I will always be The Pastor. That will not change.
I am discovering the difficulty of truly being on your own.
When I lived at home, and had a bad day, I found a friend and talked. I ministered to them, and was ministered to in return. Here, when I have a bad day, I am on my own. I am stuck "in my head" so to speak, and worries start spawning like there's no tomorrow.
It is a matter of having to always be "at the top of the my game". There is no room for error. This is a result of being in ministry, I think, and being alone. I must make sure that I exercise, have my quiet time, as well as a bit of creative time every day, or else I quickly spiral out of control. Like, in the matter of two or three days, I quickly become almost too stressed to operate.
I have found my limitations. This is difficult, because I not only have to admit that I have them, but also admit that they are much closer than I had hoped. Irritating, to say the least.
Anyway, I will probably keep going forever unless I cut myself off, so that is what I will do now. I covet your prayers, and any and all visitors are more than welcome.
Word.
PS- I think I also covet Reese's Pieces. Not the cups, mind you, but the pieces. So, pray for me, and send me candy.
In many ways, I have often felt lonely (you just have to look back at previous posts to see what I'm referring to). I rarely "fit in", and on the odd chance that I do, my weird personality forces me to find ways to make it so I don't. So, loneliness is a feeling I am used to. Its my one constant companion, you could say.
However, life is different now.
Now, I am alone. Not in the sense of me having not as many friends I can hang out with, but more that I have no friends I can hang out with. My closest friends are 2 hours away (assuming there's no traffic). Yes, there are people at the church I like, and most of them I enjoy talking to...but, they will always be members of my congregation. I will always be The Pastor. That will not change.
I am discovering the difficulty of truly being on your own.
When I lived at home, and had a bad day, I found a friend and talked. I ministered to them, and was ministered to in return. Here, when I have a bad day, I am on my own. I am stuck "in my head" so to speak, and worries start spawning like there's no tomorrow.
It is a matter of having to always be "at the top of the my game". There is no room for error. This is a result of being in ministry, I think, and being alone. I must make sure that I exercise, have my quiet time, as well as a bit of creative time every day, or else I quickly spiral out of control. Like, in the matter of two or three days, I quickly become almost too stressed to operate.
I have found my limitations. This is difficult, because I not only have to admit that I have them, but also admit that they are much closer than I had hoped. Irritating, to say the least.
Anyway, I will probably keep going forever unless I cut myself off, so that is what I will do now. I covet your prayers, and any and all visitors are more than welcome.
Word.
PS- I think I also covet Reese's Pieces. Not the cups, mind you, but the pieces. So, pray for me, and send me candy.
29 November 2007
Weekend
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here is an essay on what a good weekend is all about.
03 November 2007
Grace
So, I daily find myself broken by the concept of grace. I've never really been one of those "woe is me a sinner" kind of people. Its not that I don't think I'm a sinner, but I don't understand why people dwell on their own sin so much...repent, and move on. I realize its not as easy as that sometimes, but I'd rather focus on Christ and on grace, rather than on me and my sin.
But, I digress from grace (don't we all?).
Grace. What a simple, foundational concept to our Christian faith. Words cannot describe this, and yet we always try. I think the best visions of grace are not in sermons, no matter how eloquent. They are in the eyes of a child, immediately after being disciplined, yet the child clearly wants nothing more than a hug to realize they're still loved. Grace is seen in an overworked parent taking the five minutes to play an undignified game of tag with a four year old. A child's laugh. A crisp, clear sunset.
Grace is me spending hours on a sermon, and yet still being unsatisfied with the outcome...getting angry with myself for not putting in the hours I "should"...and yet, on Sunday morning, seeing the dry bones come together, tendons and sinews spring forth, and skin come on the bones. And the bones then move, breathed with new life.
Grace is being freed from your sin, so it no longer has to take up the majority of your life. Grace is the chains of bondage to laziness, to greed, to lust, to whatever...shattered and left to rust into nothing. Grace is the freedom to run on new legs, given, free of charge, to a paralytic.
I choose to live in grace, in that gap beyond my own abilities, the place called 'faith'. I can't live their on my own, and trust me, I've tried. I have tried to live larger, live bigger, live better than my abilities would allow...but, it only works out when I do this with grace.
I still feel like I've come up short in my description, but words can't describe a concept like grace. But, would we want them to? Grace is not something to be describe, or discussed, or analyzed. It is rather something that must be experienced and lived, beyond ourselves, and immersed wholly in God's love.
But, I digress from grace (don't we all?).
Grace. What a simple, foundational concept to our Christian faith. Words cannot describe this, and yet we always try. I think the best visions of grace are not in sermons, no matter how eloquent. They are in the eyes of a child, immediately after being disciplined, yet the child clearly wants nothing more than a hug to realize they're still loved. Grace is seen in an overworked parent taking the five minutes to play an undignified game of tag with a four year old. A child's laugh. A crisp, clear sunset.
Grace is me spending hours on a sermon, and yet still being unsatisfied with the outcome...getting angry with myself for not putting in the hours I "should"...and yet, on Sunday morning, seeing the dry bones come together, tendons and sinews spring forth, and skin come on the bones. And the bones then move, breathed with new life.
Grace is being freed from your sin, so it no longer has to take up the majority of your life. Grace is the chains of bondage to laziness, to greed, to lust, to whatever...shattered and left to rust into nothing. Grace is the freedom to run on new legs, given, free of charge, to a paralytic.
I choose to live in grace, in that gap beyond my own abilities, the place called 'faith'. I can't live their on my own, and trust me, I've tried. I have tried to live larger, live bigger, live better than my abilities would allow...but, it only works out when I do this with grace.
I still feel like I've come up short in my description, but words can't describe a concept like grace. But, would we want them to? Grace is not something to be describe, or discussed, or analyzed. It is rather something that must be experienced and lived, beyond ourselves, and immersed wholly in God's love.
29 October 2007
Update...?
I have no idea where to start. I'm not entirely sure there is a place to start. The youth group here is both amazing and horrific, all at the same time. I find my heart breaking for each one of the kids, as they virtually all have had more hardship in their lives than any 5 people should. Going to youth and the various ministries are some of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
And yet...I love it. I can't imagine life without this kind of hardship. Had I known what I was praying for all these years in terms of "Jesus, send me to the place where your love is most needed" I might not have done it, but I am sure glad that I did. There is no joy greater than spending time with a girl whose mother has decided she doesn't want her around and sends her to live with her grandmother (who is already caring for her mother). Yes, the girl has a few "behavior problems", but just getting a chance to play basketball with her (we split the games 1-1) and realizing that through that, I'm helping God redeem His Creation.
Me. God has chosen me for this. He has chosen you for this. We get to help God! He doesn't need us, but, like a loving father, He wants us to participate, to take on the family business, if you will. Words cannot describe what this means to me.
And, I get paid to preach the gospel. I feel almost guilty. This is nuts.
Anyway, I could go on, but I'd just be saying the same thing. I got a flat the other day, though, so that's fun. I'll be welcoming quite a few friends to come by and visit in the coming months, but there's always room for more, so please contact me to book in your stay at my place...the shuttle service can pick you up at Sydney or Newcastle airports, or anywhere in between.
And, for those lovely people that want to send me things, my address is below. That should be everyone. If it isn't, we're in a fight.
And yet...I love it. I can't imagine life without this kind of hardship. Had I known what I was praying for all these years in terms of "Jesus, send me to the place where your love is most needed" I might not have done it, but I am sure glad that I did. There is no joy greater than spending time with a girl whose mother has decided she doesn't want her around and sends her to live with her grandmother (who is already caring for her mother). Yes, the girl has a few "behavior problems", but just getting a chance to play basketball with her (we split the games 1-1) and realizing that through that, I'm helping God redeem His Creation.
Me. God has chosen me for this. He has chosen you for this. We get to help God! He doesn't need us, but, like a loving father, He wants us to participate, to take on the family business, if you will. Words cannot describe what this means to me.
And, I get paid to preach the gospel. I feel almost guilty. This is nuts.
Anyway, I could go on, but I'd just be saying the same thing. I got a flat the other day, though, so that's fun. I'll be welcoming quite a few friends to come by and visit in the coming months, but there's always room for more, so please contact me to book in your stay at my place...the shuttle service can pick you up at Sydney or Newcastle airports, or anywhere in between.
And, for those lovely people that want to send me things, my address is below. That should be everyone. If it isn't, we're in a fight.
17 October 2007
Australian Tea Breaks
Tea Breaks in Australia.
Morning Tea - A break around about 10 or so for a quick "cuppah" (Australian for "a cup of tea or coffee, or whatever else you might desire"), that usually is supposed to last for 15 or so minutes, but will actually expand to fill any amount of time, from 5 minutes up to an hour or more. Tea or coffee is usually the drink, and biscuits and crackers are usually the food.
Afternoon Tea - A break around about 3 or so, and is more or less the same idea as morning tea, except this one is held in the afternoon. Usually some kind of spread is added for use with the crackers.
Tea - Now, this is the part that stands out. This is actually the evening meal, and no tea is served.
Why, perchance, would you have specific titles for the Morning and Afternoon Teas, and call the evening meal simply Tea, when the one simply called Tea is the only one where tea is not served?
Welcome to Australia, that's why.
Morning Tea - A break around about 10 or so for a quick "cuppah" (Australian for "a cup of tea or coffee, or whatever else you might desire"), that usually is supposed to last for 15 or so minutes, but will actually expand to fill any amount of time, from 5 minutes up to an hour or more. Tea or coffee is usually the drink, and biscuits and crackers are usually the food.
Afternoon Tea - A break around about 3 or so, and is more or less the same idea as morning tea, except this one is held in the afternoon. Usually some kind of spread is added for use with the crackers.
Tea - Now, this is the part that stands out. This is actually the evening meal, and no tea is served.
Why, perchance, would you have specific titles for the Morning and Afternoon Teas, and call the evening meal simply Tea, when the one simply called Tea is the only one where tea is not served?
Welcome to Australia, that's why.
08 October 2007
Changes
I don't even know where to start. The last three and a half weeks (has it only been that long?) have been a time of change, to say the least, for me. I'm not even talking about the external things (y'know, the whole moving around the world bit), but more the changes I've had to undergo internally.
No longer can I simply be Jesse, but I have the added title of "Pastor". The temptation is for that to go to my head, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that it almost can't. Not because I'm a great person, but because I'm not. I'm just like the next guy, except maybe a bit more strange. The only possible way for this ministry to work in any way, shape, or form is for God to be in it. I'm going to have to triple (at least) the amount of time I spend in prayer, and the same goes for study. Time spent just messing around won't be as plentiful.
I can no longer approach situations simply innocently, but I must also come wth a shrewdness borne of years of experience (again, something I lack that can only come of God). I can't afford to waste my time or my opportunities to spread God's love, which is something I've worried that I would do, consider my own tendencies towards laziness.
I think perhaps that is what has surprised me the most, is the ease with which I've stepped up to the changes. And I say this not out of ego, because this can only be because of God's grace and provision. I'm humbled by the responsibility, the gifts He's given me (why me?!), and the things He appears to be expecting me to do...as well as the apparent chances of success. Basically, if God is not involved, me unpacking my bags was foolhardy.
But, I'm realizing that I came here as an act of faith, and the only way is forward, again, in faith. Do I know what I'm doing? Not especially. Will that stop me? Nah. I'm excited about the things God will do through me, and in spite of me.
On an only semi-related note, I think I want to start writing letters, because, if nothing else, this will serve to encourage me and to learn discipline (letters don't write themselves, apparently, so I'll have to set time aside to do that), but it will also give me a chance to share what God's doing down here, and whatnot. I'm beginning to realize why St. Paul wrote so many letters. I make the promise that if you send me a letter, I will respond within a week's time (from when I receive it). I look forward to corresponding with you. Word.
Oh, here's the address (its for the church, but I get the mail there, so...yeah). Send letters here, but hold off on packages until I get my own place (a prayer point!).
Jesse Ryals
34 Dunkley Street
Rutherford, NSW 2320
Australia
No longer can I simply be Jesse, but I have the added title of "Pastor". The temptation is for that to go to my head, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that it almost can't. Not because I'm a great person, but because I'm not. I'm just like the next guy, except maybe a bit more strange. The only possible way for this ministry to work in any way, shape, or form is for God to be in it. I'm going to have to triple (at least) the amount of time I spend in prayer, and the same goes for study. Time spent just messing around won't be as plentiful.
I can no longer approach situations simply innocently, but I must also come wth a shrewdness borne of years of experience (again, something I lack that can only come of God). I can't afford to waste my time or my opportunities to spread God's love, which is something I've worried that I would do, consider my own tendencies towards laziness.
I think perhaps that is what has surprised me the most, is the ease with which I've stepped up to the changes. And I say this not out of ego, because this can only be because of God's grace and provision. I'm humbled by the responsibility, the gifts He's given me (why me?!), and the things He appears to be expecting me to do...as well as the apparent chances of success. Basically, if God is not involved, me unpacking my bags was foolhardy.
But, I'm realizing that I came here as an act of faith, and the only way is forward, again, in faith. Do I know what I'm doing? Not especially. Will that stop me? Nah. I'm excited about the things God will do through me, and in spite of me.
On an only semi-related note, I think I want to start writing letters, because, if nothing else, this will serve to encourage me and to learn discipline (letters don't write themselves, apparently, so I'll have to set time aside to do that), but it will also give me a chance to share what God's doing down here, and whatnot. I'm beginning to realize why St. Paul wrote so many letters. I make the promise that if you send me a letter, I will respond within a week's time (from when I receive it). I look forward to corresponding with you. Word.
Oh, here's the address (its for the church, but I get the mail there, so...yeah). Send letters here, but hold off on packages until I get my own place (a prayer point!).
Jesse Ryals
34 Dunkley Street
Rutherford, NSW 2320
Australia
25 September 2007
The Way of the Cross
I watched the movie 'Amazing Grace' recently, and it brought up a lot of things in my mind. The movie, for those of you who don't know, is about the campaign in England to abolish the slave trade, a movement which inspired the famous hymn the movie is named after.
The principle thing that it brought to mind was how the main character worked his whole life towards his goal of abolishing slavery in England, a pursuit that cost him greatly, in terms of his physical and emotional health. He suffered from colitis (I believe that's what it was), a condition most likely caused by being worn so emotionally thin from the campaign that his body suffered as well. But, ultimately, he saw his victory.
I desperately want to live that life.
I want to pour myself out as a sacrifice for Christ, working and striving always to further His Kingdom, both through my living and potentially through my dying. I want to be able to look back at the end of my life, and have given my all, successful or not. I want to spread the love of God everywhere I go, regardless of opposition.
And that brings me to the church in Maitland. I was recently disheartened when I was thinking of the way to go forward with the church here, and what factors would have to be overcome. The church is fragmented, not in terms of internal church politics, but in terms of myriad groups coming together. This has the potential to be an amazing part of the Body of Christ, a real celebration of diversity...but, that will be a long time in coming, methinks.
So, here I am, realizing this ministry is much bigger than I am, and that there is no sign on the horizon of success, either immediate or long-term. Its all well and good to talk about the theoretical aspects of picking up your cross daily, but its a different matter when the discussions end and its time to sign on the proverbial dotted line.
I have the pen, but I'm realizing what it means if I sign. This kind of thing goes against all that our culture teaches us, in that I will not be simply showing up to consume, and going where its easy. This will involve me getting stubborn and stuck in, refusing to surrender when times are difficult. That means when the horizon shows no signs of light, I push on for dawn.
It means, fully dying to self, and becoming alive to God.
Again, a concept that is easier said than done. So, in order to keep this marathon post from becoming too epic, I'll end it here. I'll need your prayers, and, if you're ever in the area, a visit would not go amiss either. I will need your encouragement, and your Reese's peanut butter cups (that's not a metaphor...they don't sell them down here). So, keep me in mind when next you pray...I'll be most appreciative.
The principle thing that it brought to mind was how the main character worked his whole life towards his goal of abolishing slavery in England, a pursuit that cost him greatly, in terms of his physical and emotional health. He suffered from colitis (I believe that's what it was), a condition most likely caused by being worn so emotionally thin from the campaign that his body suffered as well. But, ultimately, he saw his victory.
I desperately want to live that life.
I want to pour myself out as a sacrifice for Christ, working and striving always to further His Kingdom, both through my living and potentially through my dying. I want to be able to look back at the end of my life, and have given my all, successful or not. I want to spread the love of God everywhere I go, regardless of opposition.
And that brings me to the church in Maitland. I was recently disheartened when I was thinking of the way to go forward with the church here, and what factors would have to be overcome. The church is fragmented, not in terms of internal church politics, but in terms of myriad groups coming together. This has the potential to be an amazing part of the Body of Christ, a real celebration of diversity...but, that will be a long time in coming, methinks.
So, here I am, realizing this ministry is much bigger than I am, and that there is no sign on the horizon of success, either immediate or long-term. Its all well and good to talk about the theoretical aspects of picking up your cross daily, but its a different matter when the discussions end and its time to sign on the proverbial dotted line.
I have the pen, but I'm realizing what it means if I sign. This kind of thing goes against all that our culture teaches us, in that I will not be simply showing up to consume, and going where its easy. This will involve me getting stubborn and stuck in, refusing to surrender when times are difficult. That means when the horizon shows no signs of light, I push on for dawn.
It means, fully dying to self, and becoming alive to God.
Again, a concept that is easier said than done. So, in order to keep this marathon post from becoming too epic, I'll end it here. I'll need your prayers, and, if you're ever in the area, a visit would not go amiss either. I will need your encouragement, and your Reese's peanut butter cups (that's not a metaphor...they don't sell them down here). So, keep me in mind when next you pray...I'll be most appreciative.
21 September 2007
The Weirding Way
Well, here I am.
Australia.
Maitland.
Church.
My job.
Home.
After cramming a four year degree into five years, here I am. I spent three of those years being fairly rigidly devoted to learning what it means, academically, to do ministry. And, I even knew that I'd have to more or less re-learn everything once I actually got into ministry.
But, none of my classes prepared me for the sheer 'weirdness' of it all. After devoting my life (for the most part) to preparing me for this, its hard to fully grasp the fact that its here. No longer, when I have a suggestion for a ministry, do I go hint at it to the pastor. Nope. Now, I am the pastor. And, if I could find the darn formatting for this, 'am' would've been in italics.
Its also a bit hard to settle in, because right now I'm just staying with the vice chairman and his wife. They are wonderful people without a doubt (and I'm absolutely looking forward to working with them), but I think just the mere fact that there's not a place I can "call my own", so to speak, makes things a bit more difficult. It would be easier to help me get acclimated, if I could start setting a place up with my stuff and everything, start getting accustomed to my own way (which is half the reason I moved halfway around the world...to really strike out on my own).
I'm not sure if there is a way to prepare someone for all this, or even if its mostly compounded by the fact that I'm also in another country, but it is what it is. Weird.
Speaking of another country, I definitely like being here. I'm glad I signed up. I very much enjoy all the people I have to work with, and even though the youth group might be...exuberant, for the most part they're good kids. This is definitely a good starting church, if not one to continue at in the long term.
Well, I should be posting more, but its already 11:30 and I'm still in my pajamas, and there are a few things I need to do yet (like, eat...), so I'm off. I welcome any and all correspondence, especially in the way of goodies sent to me via snail mail (this will be easier once I get an apartment, and an address).
Australia.
Maitland.
Church.
My job.
Home.
After cramming a four year degree into five years, here I am. I spent three of those years being fairly rigidly devoted to learning what it means, academically, to do ministry. And, I even knew that I'd have to more or less re-learn everything once I actually got into ministry.
But, none of my classes prepared me for the sheer 'weirdness' of it all. After devoting my life (for the most part) to preparing me for this, its hard to fully grasp the fact that its here. No longer, when I have a suggestion for a ministry, do I go hint at it to the pastor. Nope. Now, I am the pastor. And, if I could find the darn formatting for this, 'am' would've been in italics.
Its also a bit hard to settle in, because right now I'm just staying with the vice chairman and his wife. They are wonderful people without a doubt (and I'm absolutely looking forward to working with them), but I think just the mere fact that there's not a place I can "call my own", so to speak, makes things a bit more difficult. It would be easier to help me get acclimated, if I could start setting a place up with my stuff and everything, start getting accustomed to my own way (which is half the reason I moved halfway around the world...to really strike out on my own).
I'm not sure if there is a way to prepare someone for all this, or even if its mostly compounded by the fact that I'm also in another country, but it is what it is. Weird.
Speaking of another country, I definitely like being here. I'm glad I signed up. I very much enjoy all the people I have to work with, and even though the youth group might be...exuberant, for the most part they're good kids. This is definitely a good starting church, if not one to continue at in the long term.
Well, I should be posting more, but its already 11:30 and I'm still in my pajamas, and there are a few things I need to do yet (like, eat...), so I'm off. I welcome any and all correspondence, especially in the way of goodies sent to me via snail mail (this will be easier once I get an apartment, and an address).
24 July 2007
Endurance...?
I think I'm tired. Of sundry and varied things.
I'm tired of here. I want to get to Australia already. This is ridiculous. When I prayed for patience, this is not what I meant.
I'm tired of church. I didn't go on Sunday. No one missed me, and I missed nothing. I'm tired of church pandering to the felt needs of the masses, as opposed to speaking directly to the deep desires of the soul. If Christ just preached to the felt needs, He would have overthrown Rome and established a Jewish political state. Instead, He changed everything we thought we knew, as well as everything we could ever learn.
I'm tired of the ludicrous things my emotions are doing. I like it better when I can pretend they don't exist, or that they don't affect me. Emotions are fine things when you control them, but when they control you? Lame. Refer back to point #1.
I'm tired of being tired. I might not be the only one who is reaching out to the people outside of the fold of God, but sometimes it sure as heck feels like it. Refer back to point #2.
I'm tired of having nothing to work towards. Yes, there is Australia. Yes, I keep doing the work for that. But, that's it, and that's two months distant. I want to get in the game. The sidelines are all well and good, but seriously. I'm looking for life to actually mean something again, as opposed to just staying in this absurd holding pattern.
Dumb. But, I'm tired, so I'm going to bed.
I'm tired of here. I want to get to Australia already. This is ridiculous. When I prayed for patience, this is not what I meant.
I'm tired of church. I didn't go on Sunday. No one missed me, and I missed nothing. I'm tired of church pandering to the felt needs of the masses, as opposed to speaking directly to the deep desires of the soul. If Christ just preached to the felt needs, He would have overthrown Rome and established a Jewish political state. Instead, He changed everything we thought we knew, as well as everything we could ever learn.
I'm tired of the ludicrous things my emotions are doing. I like it better when I can pretend they don't exist, or that they don't affect me. Emotions are fine things when you control them, but when they control you? Lame. Refer back to point #1.
I'm tired of being tired. I might not be the only one who is reaching out to the people outside of the fold of God, but sometimes it sure as heck feels like it. Refer back to point #2.
I'm tired of having nothing to work towards. Yes, there is Australia. Yes, I keep doing the work for that. But, that's it, and that's two months distant. I want to get in the game. The sidelines are all well and good, but seriously. I'm looking for life to actually mean something again, as opposed to just staying in this absurd holding pattern.
Dumb. But, I'm tired, so I'm going to bed.
11 July 2007
Movie
I'm writing a movie script, I think. I bought a book about script writing, and I think I'm going to follow along with what the author says.
Its going to be a Western-ish movie, perhaps in a sci-fi setting, as that might allow for a bit more freedom in style and execution. I think the main character will be a young-ish guy who kind of stumbles into the whole thing, and is insecure and unsure, but also resolute in his desire to do what must be done. "What must be done" has yet to be decided, though.
If anyone is interested in reading and/or helping with the script, please let me know. People with good writing/editing skills would be greatly appreciated. And, anyone with a unabiding love of Westerns (like myself) is also eagerly desired. Let me know. Word.
Its going to be a Western-ish movie, perhaps in a sci-fi setting, as that might allow for a bit more freedom in style and execution. I think the main character will be a young-ish guy who kind of stumbles into the whole thing, and is insecure and unsure, but also resolute in his desire to do what must be done. "What must be done" has yet to be decided, though.
If anyone is interested in reading and/or helping with the script, please let me know. People with good writing/editing skills would be greatly appreciated. And, anyone with a unabiding love of Westerns (like myself) is also eagerly desired. Let me know. Word.
08 July 2007
Odds and Ends
There are several different things I'd like to talk about, none of which have any real relevance to each other. So...that's what I'm going to do.
I'm slowly going crazy from all the emotional rubbish of getting ready to leave. I'm used to being the stoic one of everyone, the one who is level-headed. Well, for better or worse, that is not the case...and I'm not a fan. So, I apologize to everyone I'll maim (whether phsyically, verbally, emotionally, or via any other means) in the process. I really am sorry, even though I might not make a good show of that.
That somewhat leads into another issue. I'm tired of no one seeing me for who I am. I tend to not give much away with my face (maybe I should play more poker?), but since when was that the deciding factor in what a person was feeling. I'm tired of people assuming that because I appear calm, nothing is the matter. I'm sorry to burst everyone's bubble, but I'm not the completely fearless guy you all think I am (or do you? Am I just living in a delusion? Meh). I'm afraid of this whole Australia thing. God is going to hold me to account for everyone's spiritual health. No pressure, eh? But, just because I keep pushing forward doesn't mean that I'm not terrified. Trust me, it doesn't mean that at all. I am.
And, on a less vulnerable note (just having given away my most closely guarded secret...), I think one of my favorite things is a shared moment of laughter or camaraderie between complete strangers. That moment when two people who know nothing about each other share a genuine laugh or smile, and not one forced by society or convention. Example: the other day, I was driving with my friend Nic when I noticed a guy definitely go (illegally) the wrong way on a roundabout. I burst out laughing, nudged Nic and nodded in the direction of the car as it was passing. The passenger of the car (I can only assume she was the girlfriend) saw me looking at them and laughing, and she laughed, and nudged the driver, I assume to tell him about me sharing their little joke. Its those moments of shared joy that give me hope for humanity.
However, the American Wesleyan Church doesn't give me much hope (this goes with any Christian Church caught up in the numbers game, instead of the Kingdom game). As long as you abstain from alcohol, smoking, and make sure you vote Republican (because they care about the babies and straight people, irregardless of the rest of the world), you're in. Anything else...well, that's the short road to the hot place. I can't even begin to articulate my fury at this. In fact, because I even broached the topic, I can safely guarantee that I won't get to sleep for at least an hour after I go to bed. Wake up, guys. C'mon. Its not about appearing holy, or good, or righteous...its about wading into the grime and muck and the sewage of humanity, and fighting for that one all important pearl of great price. Sell all that you have for that pearl, for that pearl is precious beyond everything. It is the Kingdom of God, a Kingdom of love, of compassion, of fairness, and equality. This issue will be dealt with in later posts, I promise. In more depth and precision. But, I'm tired.
Good night.
I'm slowly going crazy from all the emotional rubbish of getting ready to leave. I'm used to being the stoic one of everyone, the one who is level-headed. Well, for better or worse, that is not the case...and I'm not a fan. So, I apologize to everyone I'll maim (whether phsyically, verbally, emotionally, or via any other means) in the process. I really am sorry, even though I might not make a good show of that.
That somewhat leads into another issue. I'm tired of no one seeing me for who I am. I tend to not give much away with my face (maybe I should play more poker?), but since when was that the deciding factor in what a person was feeling. I'm tired of people assuming that because I appear calm, nothing is the matter. I'm sorry to burst everyone's bubble, but I'm not the completely fearless guy you all think I am (or do you? Am I just living in a delusion? Meh). I'm afraid of this whole Australia thing. God is going to hold me to account for everyone's spiritual health. No pressure, eh? But, just because I keep pushing forward doesn't mean that I'm not terrified. Trust me, it doesn't mean that at all. I am.
And, on a less vulnerable note (just having given away my most closely guarded secret...), I think one of my favorite things is a shared moment of laughter or camaraderie between complete strangers. That moment when two people who know nothing about each other share a genuine laugh or smile, and not one forced by society or convention. Example: the other day, I was driving with my friend Nic when I noticed a guy definitely go (illegally) the wrong way on a roundabout. I burst out laughing, nudged Nic and nodded in the direction of the car as it was passing. The passenger of the car (I can only assume she was the girlfriend) saw me looking at them and laughing, and she laughed, and nudged the driver, I assume to tell him about me sharing their little joke. Its those moments of shared joy that give me hope for humanity.
However, the American Wesleyan Church doesn't give me much hope (this goes with any Christian Church caught up in the numbers game, instead of the Kingdom game). As long as you abstain from alcohol, smoking, and make sure you vote Republican (because they care about the babies and straight people, irregardless of the rest of the world), you're in. Anything else...well, that's the short road to the hot place. I can't even begin to articulate my fury at this. In fact, because I even broached the topic, I can safely guarantee that I won't get to sleep for at least an hour after I go to bed. Wake up, guys. C'mon. Its not about appearing holy, or good, or righteous...its about wading into the grime and muck and the sewage of humanity, and fighting for that one all important pearl of great price. Sell all that you have for that pearl, for that pearl is precious beyond everything. It is the Kingdom of God, a Kingdom of love, of compassion, of fairness, and equality. This issue will be dealt with in later posts, I promise. In more depth and precision. But, I'm tired.
Good night.
12 June 2007
Family
So, here I am. In the Asheville, NC airport, waiting for my plan to arrive, load, and leave, hopefully in that order. Originally, my flight left roughly an hour ago, but I took a bump for a $200 voucher, to sit here for the next half an hour or so.
I've been traveling to visit family for the last week and a half, and am now going up to Minneapolis to visit my father for the next week. Its been really good to visit all my family members, because I feel like through our stories and talks, I've been able to reacquaint myself with my grandparents, both long dead. Its also made me fairly sad, because I know that they both loved me very, very deeply (something I'm only just beginning to touch the depths of), and, my grandmother especially, would have loved to have hosted me and my friends for visits.
I am on the tail-end of staying with my great-aunt Margie. I'll admit to being a little dubious about what she and I would have a chance to do and have in common, but the trip was a real joy. She and my grandmother were two of four sisters, all of whom played backgammon competitively. I have the rare (and perhaps singular) honor of being able to say that I beat all four of the Steves sisters at the game, something I reinforced by beating Auntie Marge in a grand total of five games to her two.
In doing so, though, Aunt Marge pointed out a couple of ways that I was like my own grandmother. Grammie was ultra-competitive (in a fun sort of way), and whenever she would be beaten, she would tease the victor by saying "oh, it was just an accident". I found myself doing the same thing, and was overjoyed to have Margie throwing it right back at me. (Me: You're cheating! Aunt Marge: I just watched what you did, and did that!).
After numerous discussions with my family, though, I found something interesting. In a culture that suffers both from the deterioration of the family unit, its not surprising we also ask what we think is a fundamental identity question, Who am I? But, is that question fundamental?
From what I've seen, this questions often stems from people who did not come from a strong family background. I didn't. I ask who I am. There's no rock on which to anchor, no overarching story to tie into and establish an identity through that. My faith plays a large part in that area for me now, but I don't think my faith alone can do that.
God has chosen to work through the family unit, and this is one way He has done so. By seeing our own selves in those of our parents, our similarities, our differences, we can understand who we really are. By refusing to use that as a cue for what makes us 'us', we may never really understand our deepest selves. Yes, there are many (!!) aspects of my parents I don't want to exhibit, but I do anyway. Denying I'm like them won't change the facts, it will just blind my perception in dangerous ways.
In a culture where the individuals so desperately want to know their identities, ignoring a potential source of that information is not only foolhardy, but can be dangerous if we don't realize the snares that entangle our parents might entangle us as well.
Well, my plane's here. Word.
I've been traveling to visit family for the last week and a half, and am now going up to Minneapolis to visit my father for the next week. Its been really good to visit all my family members, because I feel like through our stories and talks, I've been able to reacquaint myself with my grandparents, both long dead. Its also made me fairly sad, because I know that they both loved me very, very deeply (something I'm only just beginning to touch the depths of), and, my grandmother especially, would have loved to have hosted me and my friends for visits.
I am on the tail-end of staying with my great-aunt Margie. I'll admit to being a little dubious about what she and I would have a chance to do and have in common, but the trip was a real joy. She and my grandmother were two of four sisters, all of whom played backgammon competitively. I have the rare (and perhaps singular) honor of being able to say that I beat all four of the Steves sisters at the game, something I reinforced by beating Auntie Marge in a grand total of five games to her two.
In doing so, though, Aunt Marge pointed out a couple of ways that I was like my own grandmother. Grammie was ultra-competitive (in a fun sort of way), and whenever she would be beaten, she would tease the victor by saying "oh, it was just an accident". I found myself doing the same thing, and was overjoyed to have Margie throwing it right back at me. (Me: You're cheating! Aunt Marge: I just watched what you did, and did that!).
After numerous discussions with my family, though, I found something interesting. In a culture that suffers both from the deterioration of the family unit, its not surprising we also ask what we think is a fundamental identity question, Who am I? But, is that question fundamental?
From what I've seen, this questions often stems from people who did not come from a strong family background. I didn't. I ask who I am. There's no rock on which to anchor, no overarching story to tie into and establish an identity through that. My faith plays a large part in that area for me now, but I don't think my faith alone can do that.
God has chosen to work through the family unit, and this is one way He has done so. By seeing our own selves in those of our parents, our similarities, our differences, we can understand who we really are. By refusing to use that as a cue for what makes us 'us', we may never really understand our deepest selves. Yes, there are many (!!) aspects of my parents I don't want to exhibit, but I do anyway. Denying I'm like them won't change the facts, it will just blind my perception in dangerous ways.
In a culture where the individuals so desperately want to know their identities, ignoring a potential source of that information is not only foolhardy, but can be dangerous if we don't realize the snares that entangle our parents might entangle us as well.
Well, my plane's here. Word.
31 May 2007
Dark Holiness II (ish)
First off, let me say 'thank you' to all the people that commented on my last post. I do appreciate all that you've said, and helped me to think about. As such, I wanted to do a follow-up, so to speak.
Both Shane and Dan brought up good points about are ethics really the point, or is it rather more about love. I especially like Dan's bit about perhaps God was applauding the actor and not the action (not least because he used the word 'spunk'). I think maybe that is the key point in the whole thing...while God does desire for us to be made daily in His image, He loves us unconditionally. God loved Tamar, and the fire in her spirit that made her stand-up to the false righteousness in Judah. Keep in mind that Tamar was also not a Hebrew, nor really a worshipper of Yahweh, both facts that add in all kinds of fun complications.
Maybe that is the reason Genesis 38 is thrown in there, a reason we can only truly understand seen through the lens of Jesus. The idea that God loves us, no matter what we've done. Period. Full stop. End of story.
Ethics and 'holiness' are worthwhile and good as guidelines, but they are only just that...guidelines. When the fecal matter hits the air extruder, ethics and holiness are only so valuable. And, maybe, just maybe, that's the point.
I also really liked Jeremy's definition of holiness as the "natural development that stems from an intimate relationship and a deep desire to please the lover of our soul". I think when we think of holiness as just a list of things of what Christians do or don't do, we can really miss the point. Its not just about actions, although those play a significant part. Its about internal transformation, a point that far too many of American Christians miss. Coming up with more rules won't make people holier, rather they'll just end up becoming more legalistic. This is not to say we should throw out all rules, but has regulating everything every really worked?
Perhaps I'm showing my hand a bit too much, but the only exception I take to that definition of holiness is the 'natural' part. On the one hand, I fully agree...if you spend a long time with someone, you naturally become like them, and Jesus is no exception. But, at the same time, the pursuit of holiness often seems like its anything but natural. I fight an uphill battle against myself every day, and I always seem to be losing (how's that for a conundrum?). I so desperately want to be like Him, but at the same time, I'm just as desperately afraid to take the steps of faith.
I wish I had a good ending for this post, that would wrap everything up in a nice, neat little package, all answers included with interest. But, no. That does seem to follow the pattern of the entry, though, saying that we can't answer everything fully, but we just need to go out and meet each day. Holiness is not a list we can check off, but a lifestyle of love. We can't let the expectations of others and our desire for approval shape our lives, but rather the unconditional, infinite love of our Lord and Redeemer guide our steps, one at a time.
Your thoughts?
Both Shane and Dan brought up good points about are ethics really the point, or is it rather more about love. I especially like Dan's bit about perhaps God was applauding the actor and not the action (not least because he used the word 'spunk'). I think maybe that is the key point in the whole thing...while God does desire for us to be made daily in His image, He loves us unconditionally. God loved Tamar, and the fire in her spirit that made her stand-up to the false righteousness in Judah. Keep in mind that Tamar was also not a Hebrew, nor really a worshipper of Yahweh, both facts that add in all kinds of fun complications.
Maybe that is the reason Genesis 38 is thrown in there, a reason we can only truly understand seen through the lens of Jesus. The idea that God loves us, no matter what we've done. Period. Full stop. End of story.
Ethics and 'holiness' are worthwhile and good as guidelines, but they are only just that...guidelines. When the fecal matter hits the air extruder, ethics and holiness are only so valuable. And, maybe, just maybe, that's the point.
I also really liked Jeremy's definition of holiness as the "natural development that stems from an intimate relationship and a deep desire to please the lover of our soul". I think when we think of holiness as just a list of things of what Christians do or don't do, we can really miss the point. Its not just about actions, although those play a significant part. Its about internal transformation, a point that far too many of American Christians miss. Coming up with more rules won't make people holier, rather they'll just end up becoming more legalistic. This is not to say we should throw out all rules, but has regulating everything every really worked?
Perhaps I'm showing my hand a bit too much, but the only exception I take to that definition of holiness is the 'natural' part. On the one hand, I fully agree...if you spend a long time with someone, you naturally become like them, and Jesus is no exception. But, at the same time, the pursuit of holiness often seems like its anything but natural. I fight an uphill battle against myself every day, and I always seem to be losing (how's that for a conundrum?). I so desperately want to be like Him, but at the same time, I'm just as desperately afraid to take the steps of faith.
I wish I had a good ending for this post, that would wrap everything up in a nice, neat little package, all answers included with interest. But, no. That does seem to follow the pattern of the entry, though, saying that we can't answer everything fully, but we just need to go out and meet each day. Holiness is not a list we can check off, but a lifestyle of love. We can't let the expectations of others and our desire for approval shape our lives, but rather the unconditional, infinite love of our Lord and Redeemer guide our steps, one at a time.
Your thoughts?
11 May 2007
Dark Holiness
I find myself in a bit of a tailspin after reading Scripture (which is exactly what Scripture should do to our lives, shake them up a bit and force us to rethink everything).
I come from the Methodist branch of holiness teaching, which means that to be holy means that you don't drink, smoke or chew, nor hang around with those who do. Holiness sometimes comes down to a list of things you don't do...but, the Wesleyan Methodists in Australia have started to define it by a heart condition (more akin to what Wesley himself, and even some crazy Nazarene preacher did). But, holiness is a matter of following the dictates of Scripture by being a person of integrity (not lying, cheating, stealing, etc etc) as well as loving God and people with your whole being.
But, then I read Genesis 38, the story of Judah and Tamar.
Now, I've read this before, but for some reason, this time I really began to think about it...why is Tamar commended for being a prostitute, lying, and being a cheat? And, don't kid yourself, she is absolutely commended (if just by being mentioned in all the genealogies and whatnot).
Now, if this was an isolated case, that would be one thing. But, this same craftiness is commended in the Hebrew midwives in Exodus 1:15-22. As well as the life of Jacob (almost the whole darn thing...he is chosen as the namesake for the Jews entire). And in Christ's parable of the Dishonest (or Shrewd) Manager.
What are we supposed to draw from this? How are we supposed to define holiness?
I am reminded of a character from the television show, Boston Legal. Alan Shore is a good lawyer, but making ethical decisions is not his forte. However, he does do what is right. In one particular case, he encouraged someone to impersonate a psychiatrist to ascertain if another psychiatrist's patient was homicidal. When queried about if that was ethical, Shore replied "Oh. I'm sorry. If ethics is what you're worried about, then just write a letter as a lawyer stating it is not something ot be worried about, that the client isn't dangerous. You'll both be covered. I didn't realize ethics was the issue...I thought human life was at stake. My apologies."
Is that the attitude that we're supposed to have? Do what is right, even if it means lying or cheating? Doesn't that stray into the awful realm of the ends justifying the means?
Or, are we as Christians called to that kind of discerning and hard style of Christianity, weighing each and every issue individually, but not having the 'hard and fast' rules that we as people love so much?
I wish I had the answer. This is a difficult question, and I really want to hear people's opinions about this. Please let me know your thoughts, and this has very high potential as an issue we'll see again in my blog.
Word.
I come from the Methodist branch of holiness teaching, which means that to be holy means that you don't drink, smoke or chew, nor hang around with those who do. Holiness sometimes comes down to a list of things you don't do...but, the Wesleyan Methodists in Australia have started to define it by a heart condition (more akin to what Wesley himself, and even some crazy Nazarene preacher did). But, holiness is a matter of following the dictates of Scripture by being a person of integrity (not lying, cheating, stealing, etc etc) as well as loving God and people with your whole being.
But, then I read Genesis 38, the story of Judah and Tamar.
Now, I've read this before, but for some reason, this time I really began to think about it...why is Tamar commended for being a prostitute, lying, and being a cheat? And, don't kid yourself, she is absolutely commended (if just by being mentioned in all the genealogies and whatnot).
Now, if this was an isolated case, that would be one thing. But, this same craftiness is commended in the Hebrew midwives in Exodus 1:15-22. As well as the life of Jacob (almost the whole darn thing...he is chosen as the namesake for the Jews entire). And in Christ's parable of the Dishonest (or Shrewd) Manager.
What are we supposed to draw from this? How are we supposed to define holiness?
I am reminded of a character from the television show, Boston Legal. Alan Shore is a good lawyer, but making ethical decisions is not his forte. However, he does do what is right. In one particular case, he encouraged someone to impersonate a psychiatrist to ascertain if another psychiatrist's patient was homicidal. When queried about if that was ethical, Shore replied "Oh. I'm sorry. If ethics is what you're worried about, then just write a letter as a lawyer stating it is not something ot be worried about, that the client isn't dangerous. You'll both be covered. I didn't realize ethics was the issue...I thought human life was at stake. My apologies."
Is that the attitude that we're supposed to have? Do what is right, even if it means lying or cheating? Doesn't that stray into the awful realm of the ends justifying the means?
Or, are we as Christians called to that kind of discerning and hard style of Christianity, weighing each and every issue individually, but not having the 'hard and fast' rules that we as people love so much?
I wish I had the answer. This is a difficult question, and I really want to hear people's opinions about this. Please let me know your thoughts, and this has very high potential as an issue we'll see again in my blog.
Word.
16 April 2007
Disciplines
I've been meaning to write this post for awhile, but since I'm currently dying of Ebola, I decided I might as well write it in case I don't last too much longer.
I've been doing a fair amount of thinking about the idea of training yourself, especially in spiritual matters. I've taken a class in spiritual formation, and read numerous books about the subject, so it is at least a topic I am familiar with. I've also done some reading about Sparta and their military culture, and I am intrigued by the overlap.
Now, a lot of you are probably thinking "oh, he just saw 300, and this is going to be a post about how we should all be Spartans for Jesus" or something along those lines. No. Well, kind of, but mostly no.
I was monumentally disappointed by 300. Yeah, it was a good action movie, but its been a long time since that was the only necessity for me to like a movie. The thing that made the Spartans so amazing as a military force was their amazing discipline, and the sheer rigor of their training...not their ability to go into battle bare-chested (they didn't) or how to stand back-to-back defending a brother (they would stay in formation, always...something they alluded to in the movie, but then forgot about).
But, the concept of taking one's entire life and rigorously subjecting yourself to hardship after hardship to build up endurance...that is amazing. That was the mainstay of Spartan culture, the concept of having an amazingly tough training program so that when war came around, everyone was more than prepared for the hardships that entailed.
Does that describe us as Christians? Sadly, all too often, it does not. We have our jobs and our friends and our hobbies, and those tend to dominate our priorities. The concept of sacrificing one of those in order to spend time with God is unthinkable. Why should I turn off my XBox if God already loves me?
The parables in Matthew 13:44-50 seem to really portray this well. The theme that is present throughout is the idea of being willing to sell everything you have, in order to obtain that one, precious commodity. Are we willing to do that, as Christians?
I wish I could say that I was. Last week I tried to train myself to be disciplined, and it worked...to a degree. I ran four out of five days, and the day off was planned (I promise). I did a decent amount of work on my sermon for last night...but, somehow, in the midst of that, I still spent most of my time watching TV and wasting time on the internet.
I'm beginning to realize that we cannot accomplish this easily...nor should we be able to. If it was easy, we wouldn't have to make it our one, all-consuming passion. God does not want us to muck around, but to put Him at the center. I wish I could speak to this from experience of success, but its more from a place of black eyes, broken noses, and bleeding lips. But, speak to it I can, in a way, and I shall...and I invite all of you to keep me accountable and join me on the trek.
I've been doing a fair amount of thinking about the idea of training yourself, especially in spiritual matters. I've taken a class in spiritual formation, and read numerous books about the subject, so it is at least a topic I am familiar with. I've also done some reading about Sparta and their military culture, and I am intrigued by the overlap.
Now, a lot of you are probably thinking "oh, he just saw 300, and this is going to be a post about how we should all be Spartans for Jesus" or something along those lines. No. Well, kind of, but mostly no.
I was monumentally disappointed by 300. Yeah, it was a good action movie, but its been a long time since that was the only necessity for me to like a movie. The thing that made the Spartans so amazing as a military force was their amazing discipline, and the sheer rigor of their training...not their ability to go into battle bare-chested (they didn't) or how to stand back-to-back defending a brother (they would stay in formation, always...something they alluded to in the movie, but then forgot about).
But, the concept of taking one's entire life and rigorously subjecting yourself to hardship after hardship to build up endurance...that is amazing. That was the mainstay of Spartan culture, the concept of having an amazingly tough training program so that when war came around, everyone was more than prepared for the hardships that entailed.
Does that describe us as Christians? Sadly, all too often, it does not. We have our jobs and our friends and our hobbies, and those tend to dominate our priorities. The concept of sacrificing one of those in order to spend time with God is unthinkable. Why should I turn off my XBox if God already loves me?
The parables in Matthew 13:44-50 seem to really portray this well. The theme that is present throughout is the idea of being willing to sell everything you have, in order to obtain that one, precious commodity. Are we willing to do that, as Christians?
I wish I could say that I was. Last week I tried to train myself to be disciplined, and it worked...to a degree. I ran four out of five days, and the day off was planned (I promise). I did a decent amount of work on my sermon for last night...but, somehow, in the midst of that, I still spent most of my time watching TV and wasting time on the internet.
I'm beginning to realize that we cannot accomplish this easily...nor should we be able to. If it was easy, we wouldn't have to make it our one, all-consuming passion. God does not want us to muck around, but to put Him at the center. I wish I could speak to this from experience of success, but its more from a place of black eyes, broken noses, and bleeding lips. But, speak to it I can, in a way, and I shall...and I invite all of you to keep me accountable and join me on the trek.
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